Wednesday, December 3, 2008

A Pick-Up Vortex 10

I was going to blog about something different today, but I feel an overwhelming need to address the masses of men out there who subscribe to the Mystery doctrine of wooing women. If you don't know who Mystery is, you won't give a tinker's damn about the contents of this Vortex 10, but if you're still curious, check out this Talk Soup clip.

Dear any-man-who-thinks-The-Pick-Up-Artist-has-it-going-on,

I use the term "man" loosely. Anyone who buys into Mystery's goal is too immature and self-absorbed to come close to a woman's definition of a real man. I know women are hard to understand. Many times, we are at a loss to understand ourselves, but this self-proclaimed messiah of seduction is not the answer.

I've watched bits and pieces of Mystery's philosophies for two seasons now, enough to gag down a few of his preachings. Why, you ask? Lost is still in reruns. Accompanied by his wing man "Matador" and a steady parade of shallow women who in no way represent most of the fairer sex, Eric von Markovik has dished out plenty of advice. Most of it, crap. Yes, he empowers shy and awkward men with confidence, but when the litmus test is bedding women, you've already lost the game. The inner poise most women respond to will be inevitably altered into something akin to his co-host's implants-bloated and deceptive. I don't speak for all women, but I do speak for the kind of women most of these genuine contestants hope to find:

1)Any man who gives his ego a nickname is a tool. This goes for Mystery or Matador or any other one-word avatar used to perpetuate his own sense of purpose. If you have to name it, you aren't there yet.

2)Why take fashion advice from someone who looks like a pimp? Approaching women in Purple Rain attire does not make you desirable, it makes you laughable. Take the free initial makeover the show provides and stop there. The size of the bauble around your hairy chest is directly proportional to how much women laugh when you turn away.

3)Cry on television if you win the Nobel Prize or are rehearsing a death scene for I Wanna Be a Soap Star. Don't cry because Mystery is digging for re-enforcement of his inflated contribution to society.

4)If you approach women in the grocery store's produce section, you're busted. It's cliche and you might as well have thumped your grandmother's melon for all the interest you'll get.

5)Soul patches and eyeliner work well on very few men. Those men are named Johnny Depp and Johnny Depp. They aren't you. Don't even try.

6)You'd do better to learn the mneumonics of STDs than the abbreviated pick-up artist lingo because the few women this advice works on will have an alphabet soup of disease.

7)Women have built-in pick up line sensors. Coming up to a woman at a club and saying "Hey, do you know whatever happened to Velcro?" will solidify your status as one to avoid because you're either wasted or stupid. Cater an opening remark to the situation, never use the same line twice and you'll have a better "gambit" than any schmuck who actually bought into anything Mystery had to say.

8)Earning the title "Master Pick-Up Artist" might as well be "Master-Bader" to our ears (apologies to my brilliant high school chemistry teacher for his unfortunate name). Why not earn the title of Master of Fine Arts and impress women with more than being coined best kisser by a porn queen?

9)Yes, the $50,000 might be worth going on cable to make a complete noob of yourself, but the price of your soul to be a wingman to an overinflated wanker is too high.

10)Lastly, receiving one of the seven colored medallions is no different from the celebratory Worlds of Warcraft quests you accomplished in your mother's basement. It's not "the best thing that's ever happened to you", it's a sign you're a gullible schmuck led down the brick road of bad dating advice.

Double X chromosome


Rick said...

Hello L.A.! Since I by and large refuse to watch television, I had never heard of this clown Now you've given me yet another reason not to turn on the tube. It was bad enough being barraged by politics, now I'd have to watch this? Pretty much the only time I leave the television on is for my Cat to watch when I'm traveling overnight. Now I'll have to make sure it's on the history channel to make sure she's not being influenced.

Kim Lenox said...

Amen, sister!

I have to admit ... sometimes I watch the Real Housewives of Orange
County just to marvel/ogle at how shallow and small some people's minds are. They're just so foreign to me, so it's kind of like watching an interesting episode on the Discovery or History channels.

Charles Gramlich said...

I've never watched this show, though I've seen flashes of it flipping through the channels. I don't think I ever, even as a teenager, wanted the vapid girl kind.

Marilyn Brant said...

I've never seen this show. The clip and your Vortex 10 were enough to convince me not to...

Barbara Martin said...

If this is what is on television, I'm glad I don't watch on a regular basis.

This is sad when young men are motivated by wrong advice.

L.A. Mitchell said...

Yes, Rick...we wouldn't want to raise any hoochie-mamma cats :)

Kim...I've never seen that one. I don't ever faithfully watch these shows..just enough to keep up on pop culture, I suppose.

Charles...flashes are all that's needed, trust me. I can feel it snatching brain cells each minute.

Marilyn and Barbara...wise choices :)

Miladysa said...

Saints preserve us!

What a wonderful post LA.

I always had a soft spot for a bit of a bad boy myself ;D

laughingwolf said...

what's television, lam? :O

like rick, it's rarely on, and not once for at least 6 months

if i do use it, it's to watch dvds

never heard of this schmuck, nor would i give him two seconds' attention

thx for showing yet another reason why tv is more of a wasteland than ever

Vesper said...

God, L.A., I'm glad I don't know what you're talking about! Except for Johnny Depp, of course, who is lovely... :-)

I also don't watch TV except for the occasional film or Star Trek episode... :-)