Thursday, September 10, 2009

A Pampered Vortex 10

Sometimes I have trouble shutting off my mind. Such was the case yesterday. Instead of melting away into a viscous puddle under the very capable hands of a masseuse (a four month old birthday gift--the massage, not the masseuse), bizzare thoughts lurked at the periphery of my awareness. How else to diffuse those than a Vortex 10 List? Sounds like more fun than drowning a novel's worth of toxins with Evian.

10 Random Thoughts on a Massage Table:

1. Please don't match me to the guy in black scrubs that looks like a cross between the blond guy from Simon and Simon and Lurch. Could someone have pity on this guy and give him a detoxifying treatment? The smacked-out rings under his eyes haunt me and not in a romance novel kind of way, either.

2. Dear God, is someone butchering that exotic bird in the distant meadow?

3. Seriously, was that just a karate chop to my left buttocks?

4. I saw this move on COPS once to apprehend a suspect, only there wasn't a pan flute soloist in the background and I'm not wearing a t-shirt that says Mess with me and you mess with the entire trailer park.

5. Did she just put the hair clip she used on me back into the same drawer I saw her pull it out of? Sweet Barbicide, where are you?

6. Apparently shading in the feet on the pre-massage questionnaire "troublesome areas" means avoid like leprosy. No wonder she's overcompensating by working tension from my collarbone. Does anyone have collarbone tension?

7. I painted my toenails Sparkling Nectar for this? What's the Chinese translation for "A kingdom for my feet! I wore the cruel shoes today!"

8. Is the overly-loud second hand on the clock meant to be a relaxing rhythm to get in touch with my heartbeat or a cosmic reminder I could have written 500 words in the time it's taken her to turn my scalp into a relaxed greaseball?

9. If she reused the hair clip, what of the sheets?

10. Why does my middle finger lift when she rubs the writerly tension from my forearm?

I've had six massages in my life, but they've all been gifts. Were it left up to me, I'd have given the money to the guy that stands with a sign under the interstate overpass in hundred-degree heat. Okay, maybe I'd have kept the one from the Brazilian guy on the ship in the Atlantic Ocean, but that's all. Romance writers have to master the concept of haunting eyes, right?

What's your favorite thing to do to relax?


the walking man said...

As soon as I get tense I'll let you know what I did to relax. Mellow is the man un-pampered and unrestricted by hair clips pulled from a drawer and questionable sheets.

Pamela Cayne said...

Watch a great movie (preferably with a great snack), go on a leisurely bookstore visit (complete with visit to coffeeshop), sit on the patio when it's raining (with a nice cuppa), listen to music.

Yeah, I'm not much of a massage person. Thankfully, my peeps know this and don't get me spa gift certificates. I am curious about that involuntary middle finger action, though...

Charles Gramlich said...

I've only had one professional massage and I liked it quite a bit I do say. I hate to pay for it though.

Katie Reus said...

Your list made me lol! I haven't had a massage in years, but omg, I love them! I don't let them near my butt area though, it freaks me out. When I'm getting one, I don't think of anything. Hmmm, maybe I should drop some hints to the hubby :)

Anonymous said...

Relaxing? Red, red wine.

Barbara Martin said...

I usually sit in my favourite chair and meditate. If the tension is really bad I have my friend give me a Reiki treatment that sometimes puts me to sleep. Wonderful stuff that energy.

A distance healing might be up your alley, L.A., as it uses a time space matrix configuration. Goes from A to B with nothing in between. It just works.

Stewart Sternberg said...

I like to play guitar..losing myself in the music. I play only for me. It's the most relaxing thing I can do..that and gently knead the skin along my dog's back, working the flesh like I might prayer beads.

Marilyn Brant said...

Relax? Well, music. Always that.

I've never had a professional massage. The ones from the hubby I quite like, but I really doubt I'd be able to relax with a stranger doing the rubbing. My friends keep telling me I'm missing out but, clearly, I don't believe them.

I liked your Vortex list, though :).

L.A. Mitchell said...

@walkingman - Or beard clips, right?

@Pamela - you had some of my favs, too. Rain and coffeeshops :)

@Charles - I know that industry must be hurting...I'm sure it's the first luxury to go in hard times, but I really do think there is immense value in what they can offer those in chronic pain without having to resort to medication.

@Katie - your comment made *me* lol. For next time, I'll be prepared and know the Chinese word for "butt", as in "back off the derriere.

@Todd - I really try to like wine but it gives me awful headaches. Have you started reading yet?

@Barbara - I'd be SO all over that if I knew what you were talking about. Sounds like my next Vortex 10 list, doesn't it? I'm curious to know more.

@Stewart - You *must* be a writer. That last image was wonderful. I actually took beginning guitar lessons this summer, just enough to dabble and be dangerous to those around me. That's so awesome you play.

@Marilyn - My mom never wanted us to give her one either. Freaked her out to have a stranger touch her like that. For me, they have to be matronly. I had a *really* hard time getting comfortable on the Brazilian guy's table :O

Vesper said...

Oh, L.A., you're fantastic! :-) :-) :-)

I'm afraid the sheets too... :-)

Barbara Martin said...

I'll send you an email, L.A.