Wednesday, February 10, 2010

But I Live in Gnaw Bone, Indiana! How Romance is Possible Anywhere. Even Cabela's.

Cabela's, the sports and outdoor superstore mecca for so many red-blooded American males, is by far the most unromantic place I've visited in the past week. A close second? Walmart with the guns and tank tops, but the stuffed javalinas pushed it over the edge for me. Where better to prove my point about romance? Remember when you were fifteen and even the most mundane place became a destination when paired with the right person? So step into your camo hunting suits and grab a package of jalapeno beef jerky-we're getting romantic at Cabela's.

Top Ten Romantic Things to do at Cabela's:

1. Name a fish after your Valentine. Commit its details to memory so you can find it again when you return. This will cancel out the time your beloved wore a new outfit you didn't notice for two years. While you're at it, donate to the wildlife fund to ensure its species will have plenty of procreation opportunities in the future, even if you don't.

2. Test out a rod and hook her. Don't bust out your best Mike Iaconelli impression. That will only make her want the guy on the water ski promo poster. Extra points for a cheesy line about how she's the best catch anywhere.

3. Lay on a speedboat deck, hand in hand. Close your eyes and pretend you're anywhere but near the portable camping loos.

4. Crawl in a display tent and play truth or dare. Better yet, share a secret. Just be sure your inner fifth grade boy scout doesn't rear his ugly head and initiate a finger dare that will clear the outdoor section.

5. Shoot the scary drunk guy leaning against the saloon door in the shooting gallery while proclaiming, "I love her, Black Bart, I'll protect her 'til the day I die!"

6. Drop her off at the door before you park in the E lot, halfway to Guatemala. While you're at it, open her door for her, not by leaning across her thighs and popping the broken door handle but as a true gentleman would: dodging stacked canoes on sale by the door and offering your hand.

7. Consume the foot-long chili cheese dog Lady-and-the-Tramp style.

8. Lead her to the bear skin rug in the home decor section and do your best Fabio impression. Be sure to whisper in your best accent, "I can't believe it's not butter," so she can envision it past your flannel clad-paunch and your chili cheese dog breath.

9. Compare her to a gazelle in the African grassland taxidermy display. Avoid eye contact with the elephant if you don't want those Springbok horns shoved where the sun doesn't shine.

10. Locate the exact place you met on a GPS and tell her it's where you lost your heart.

Tell us the most romantic, unromantic place you've ever been...


Rick said...

And here I go to bookstores to find romance when I'm not out hunting bigfoot (I find the most interesting girls in camping settings).

the walking man said...

Never been to a Cabelas but I have heard of them.

Uh most romantic place I have ever been?

Detroit, where all is romantic.

and the most unromantic...just has to be...

Detroit where you can get more than a gazzelles horn shoved where the sun don't shine for being all romantic.

K.M. Saint James said...

Excellent, LA. Gotta admit, Cabelas would not have made my Top 10 romantic list. Need to share this with my sis, who finds all her favorite clothes in Cabelas. Good thing her hubby likes that chic, rustic wear look.

Most romantic place -- Vancouver Island. Of course, it could have been the company I was with. GRIN!

L.A. Mitchell said...

@Rick-I can imagine you do, Rick. It takes a mighty special gal to hunt Sasquatch :)

@walking man-Detroit sounds like the perfect romantic, unromantic spot :)

@Sandra-Really? Cabela's? Really? Hmm. And, ooohhh, I loved Vancouver Island when I went, too.

Clover Autrey said...

Cabelas & love. You are hilarious.