Our characters always say the right thing--that snappy retort those of us in real life think of after the fact and recreate a dozen times to find just the right cadence in what could have been. So in the spirit of what-I-wish-I'd-have-said and because I feel a snarky 10 list coming on, I offer up Six Flag's infamous icy Pink Thing along with ten dialogue bits I could have fired off during Monday's theme park excursion were I a book character:
1. To the studded belt park-goer: The angel wing tattoo covering your back does not inspire divine thoughts for those caught in your sweat-soaked wake. A shirt? That would be heavenly.
2. To the Walmart-esque greeter at front gate security: You, friend, picking through my bag with your long-handled wooden spoon, have restored my faith in homeland security. Consider that stash of confiscated aerosol hairspray you've accumulated your hazard bonus for a job well done.
3. To Avril Lavigne: Your AMA performance piped through on wide screen monitors made the line for the runaway mine train seem longer than an Amtrak route to New York. The 101 degree heat index liquefied my eyeliner. What's your excuse?
4. To the Six Flags corporate guy who took out the bumper car ride: The road rage previously contained and harmlessly diffused in that magnetized rink of hell has now been unleashed on your parking lot at closing time.
5. To the overworked, underpaid sanitation employees: The dust on the runaway mine train's Old West Saloon display is thicker than my living room mid-book. Before the wooden tracks plummet unsuspecting, virgin riders into the unknown, it would be nice if the Mexican gunslinger with his boots up on the table looked more menacing and less powdered-wig geriatric.
6. To the chiseled human specimen in the Green Lantern costume: Thank you for beautifying the park in a way only green spandex can.
7. To the safety engineer that decided the warning placard need only be posted on the Texas Giant's rear seat: You try resting your head back on the seat while being dropped 13 stories at 60 miles per hour. Instead, suggest a last-minute change of heart before the G-forces from your ride jackhammer the last three years of college from your passenger's brain into the ether over Dallas.
8. To the head advertising wanker on the current Six Flags account: the severed head of an exchange student screaming, "More flags, more fun" might be less misleading if you replaced it with one of the following suggestions: "More restrooms, less accidents"; "More money for a Coke; More chance you can't afford the gas to get home."
9. To the mechanic in charge of the old-fashioned cars: Although we love channeling our inner Bo Duke circa 1920's by flooring the gas pedal to make your lawn-mower engines go, the sheer force to sustain the thrill necessitates hazardous Chinese fire drills to restore human power.
10. To the testing team who created OFF! Tropical Fresh Scent: Come to Texas. You have no idea.