Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Ten Ways to MacGyver Your Way Through RWA's National Conference

My quest for the perfect RWA Awards Ceremony dress aligned with two completely indulgent, delicious MacGyver reruns this week to inspire another Vortex 10! Despite Tami Cowden's homage to MacGyver in her professor-warrior archetype blend, romance writers have yet to fully embrace a character that has taught us (1) explosive necklaces can be quite fashionable; (2) pop culture rewards awesome heroes by busting out fresh liberties with parts of speech; and (3) some people can go out into the wilderness to find their dreams, or a really fake looking Sasquatch. With this in mind, I offer:

Ten Ways to MacGyver Your Way Through RWA's National Conference

1) In the Pilot episode, MacGyver used milk chocolate to stop a sulfuric acid leak. Milk chocolate can be used to stop the noxious gas of a plot leak as well. Have some on hand when an impromptu editor question such as, "What is your book about?" spawns incoherent, odoriferous babbling such as, "This girl, she um, have you seen....oh, what's that movie?"

2) Strapless bra traveling south? Why not adopt MacGyver's Secret-of-the-Red-Carpet? Duct Tape. Consider the after-event removal as a waxing bonus. Score.

3) Lost your bobby pins in the fertile, feminine jungle that is a four-way-shared-bathroom? No problem. The three inch long screw affixing the remote to the table works as a perfect hairpin. Best if the screw has a sharp tip to ram it home.

4) Toilet-seat covers function as the perfect blotter for those unexpected moments before your editor appointment when your pores are leaking the fluid you retained from your cheesecake-as-dinner the previous night.

5) In season three, MacGyver blasted a door open using pantyhose, a battery and an oil can. Nice to know if you get stuck in a floor-to-ceiling restroom stall your L'eggs, Ipod and the sanitary napkin dispenser can save you.

6) If there's one thing MacGyver taught us about decadence, it's that a lavish party is the perfect diversion for someone to hack into your computer. Romance writers with rabid Annie-Wilks-type fans should incorporate a memory stick into their decolletage for safe-keeping.

7) The sea of workshop choices can be daunting. Don't have a pen to mark the one you want? Run your fingernail along your Maybelline-adorned lips and etch it into the conference book. It's like a red editing pen without the tears and crippling self-doubt.

8) Beware the zipper diversion. Desperate representation-hungry writers are waiting in the wings to infiltrate the casual conversation you've managed to score with your dream agent. Like MacGyver, they know string and a paperclip hooked into a dress zipper can give them enough time to defuse your f-bomb and send you scurrying, mortified, into the ladies room. Man those zippers!

9) Our mulleted-but-hot hero knows Morse Code and you should, too. Appointments are an optimum time to casually shed your silver bangle and tap out subliminal messages such as:

-... . - - . .-. - .... .- -. -.-- .. .-.. .. --. .... - : better than Twilight


--- .--. .-. .- .... .--. .. -.-. -.- : Oprah pick

10) Raid your purse. Compacts are great rear-view mirrors. Camera lenses act as magnifying glasses in a pinch. Critique partners can string together Post-it notes and dental floss and lower into a conversation-hog's line of vision for distraction and escape ala MacGyver's "Lost Love" episode.

If this merely whets your appetite to MacGyverize your conference trip, try FoxNews's article on How to Travel Like MacGyver. See you in July!


Katie Reus said...

Omg, hilarious!! Awesome post L.A. :)

the walking man said...

This MacGyver guy found a sanitary napkin dispenser in the rest room? I think either he really had to go and there was a long line at the mens room door or he's gay.

Robin said...

Really LOL! This was great! I especially liked #8 and #9. Makes me sad I won't be attending the conference this year. I'll be sending winning GH vibes your way though!

Pamela Cayne said...

I am torn between being speechless with awe (and girl love) and a desperate curiosity about your dress--if all of this was prompted by the search for it, what in heaven's name did you have to go through for it?

Jen FitzGerald said...

Awesome list, L.A. Thanks for the chuckle. And good luck at the conference.


Marilyn Brant said...

LOL, L.A.!! And the fact that you used real Morse Code is awe-inspiring :). Can't wait to see you in your beautiful (and, I'm sure, extremely-well-outfitted-for-any-surprising-incident) GH dress!

laughingwolf said...

have fun lam, and win TONS of stuff

then use some to macgyverize your stay... lol

older daughter was a huge fan, back in the day, so when the show came on i'd tease her and say: he's MY gyver, not yours... she got mad ;)

Anonymous said...

Excellent advice. I fear I'm light on some of the tools you've listed. But as guy, definitely can relate to the zipper check. I think that's enough said.

L.A. Mitchell said...

@Katie...thanks :)

@walkingman...are you a brother? You have that perfected-teasing-sarcasm going ;) sweet of you to send vibes. We'll have to meet at next year's RWA conference.

@Pamela...actually, I found a dress yesterday...yeah! I *will* have to MacGyver the beading a bit. Steal some from under the arm to put on the bodice front. da, da, da! Huge discount on it, tho :)

@Jen...thanks so much ;)'s strapless/spaghetti straps (depending on my confidence in the duct tape beneath...*giggle*

@laughingwold...what a clever tease you are. Your daughter has excellent taste :)

@Todd...hopefully, you're refering to your own and not some unsuspecting female at a cocktail party :)

laughingwolf said...

thx, i'll tell her ;)