I'm writing the third article in my
Seven Facets of Deep Prose series: Language. Most writers know figurative vs. literal, similie vs. metaphor, so my aim is to dig deep into the word choices we make as writers and how the right use of language can impact every other aspect of the work.
While researching, I came across this list. One you've probably seen before, but it bears repeating because they are the perfect example of what can go wrong in our quest to find the right words to express ourselves...and because they're too funny
not to post.
The 25 Funniest Analogies (Collected by High School English Teachers)1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
FutureMe.org offers you the opportunity to send yourself an email at a future date you specify. Imagine sending a letter to remind your future self where you are at this exciting moment in time, or injecting your goals as a kind of cosmic post-it note to keep going. You can keep your email private or post it to the community anonymously and read other's cyber-dips into time travel.
International Time Capsule Society, outdoor (in-ground) capsules are the least desirable. Many city and town municipalities have tried 100 year ones only to discover someone forgot the location. If you do attempt to bury a time capsule, consider marking its location using a GPS device. The Minnesota Historical Society has great tips on the best materials and procedures for preserving specific items such as photos and important documents. Barring high-tech capsules, the contents are often subjected to the destructive elements of water, humidity, heat, etc., so make sure you don't put anything in there you can't bear to see ruined.
