Tickle My Stats

I'm into Statcounter for a myriad of reasons, but the unintended giggle factor of keyword analysis lets me know how The Vortex presents to the world. Most of these hits never returned-I'm assuming they didn't find what they were looking for here, but even the quickest trigger finger-turned-stat strokes my ego. Here are my top ten favorites:

1."ordinary people state of undress"
I had no idea I'd addressed some quasi-nekked reality. Can't recall one. If anyone finds it, do tell. I hope it's of the XY variety.

2. "mammoth chunks"
I can only assume web surfers knew about the Time Travel Mart in California before and sought it out because of their most famous merchandise. Aside from a natural curiosity of prehistoric creatures, the only other possibilities leave me shuddering. original post

3. "bat guano in eyeliner"
Ick. Did I discuss this? Apparently, there are few websites willing to go into the feces-in-makeup arena. Ladies and 30 Seconds to Mars fans, isn't it comforting to know there's one among us with an insatiable curiosity that we'll forever remember when we uncap that ultra-wet, waterproof liner? original post

4. "birth control titanic"
The Titanic interview with V.C. King and subsequent posts generated a lot of interest, but Leo's sweaty hand was hardly a commentary on this topic and a sinking ship is not a form of population control. original post

5. "thighmasters how to use"
Who knew I could pull the expert card on the Suzanne Somers multi-million dollar empire? original post

6. "is picking flowers in a ditch illegal"
Who do I look like, friggin' Jeeves? Texas DPS? original post

7. "woo woo factor"
I love this. This is going to be my new author platform. A hook line under the name on my website. L.A. Mitchell, The Woo-Woo Factor in Romance. Perfect. Thank you, kind surfer. original post

8. "holey slippers"
Who searches the web for worn footwear? Try ebay. My eccentric aunt just found out about the auction store near her house and has confused her Goodwill donation with her transistor radio. original post

9. "orange wedge revenge blogspot"
I can't recall proclaiming retaliation with citrus, but back off. I have a tangelo in the fridge and I'm not afraid to squeeze it in your eye. original post

10. "photo woman"
That's specific. Let me know when you get to page load 10 million-Oh wait, you'll have died a natural death by then. Never mind. original post

Anyone else with stat capabilities, leave your gems here...

Sand in the Seat-Of-The-Pants-Draft-One

Ten things I learned about writing while vacationing on the beach:

1) Hearing The Police sing "Everything She Does is Magic" while editing helps to get into the vibe. Hearing it repeated on a ten-song soundtrack piped out through the pool's Bose speakers beats that vibe to a pulp.

2) During wind advisory beach conditions, the best page of your manuscript, along with your red canvas umbrella will take flight. Fellow beach-goers will either find themselves inspired by your words or get a paper cut Mary Poppins-style.

3) Drinking a Blue Moon on draft with an orange wedge while re-reading your manuscript will only make Margie Lawson's Deep Edit notes seem like that senior college course, second semester, you abandoned for Spring Break in Mexico.

4) Through the veil of sunglasses, lacquered with SPF-30, the crystal clear resort pool looks infinitely more appealing than the dialogue you've highlighted in blue.

5) Too much sun and the forty year old in the Speedo near the wet bar transforms Faulkner-esque prose into snippy, staccato sentences where people die.

6) The most under-utilized sensation you've yet to use in your writing is the sand slipping away beneath your feet as the waves recede into the ocean.

7) Sandpipers run faster than you'll ever type.

8) The fog rolling onto the beach at 4 am feels just like the masochistic day 29 of NaNoWrite.

9) The stranger next to you on the plane will always read what you've written. Always. And nothing kills a creative flow faster than a meaty fist clinging to a Filet 'O Fish on a turbulent ascent.

10) The Rastafarian at the Head Shop, no matter how authentic he smells, would always be considered by your critics to be a cliched character.