Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Joseph

I'm channeling my inner Julie Andrews (not Oprah. Not.) to offer up a few of my favorite things. You won't find any battery scarfing devices or high end anything on here. That's not me. Just being in Macy's today made me break out into a rash of pretentiousness. I'm happy with slippers to replace my holey ones and a great book. Oh, and a contract. And a time machine, but Hoff's taking care of that, isn't he?

Favorite Thing #1: New Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos
These fall strictly into the "guy chip" category that I'd normally never touch. Anything with flames on the bag to warn you of impending halitosis and bright orange nuclear powder on the fingertips doesn't usually make it into my pantry, but I witnessed a twelve year old reaching excitedly for the bag with a look of pure bliss on his face and thought, "I'll have me some of that nom nom." I only recognize three ingredients, but the soy sauce is the best descriptor. It has a spicy, Asian flavor. Serve with breath mint. And Scope.

Favorite Thing #2: Bath and Body Works Sea Island Cotton Lotion
The genius product writers have this to say: Pure white cotton flows in fresh ocean air. Soft. Clean. Heavenly. Why is clean is always associated with the ocean? Every time I've spent all day on the shore, I've returned smelling like a salty creature of the deep. Nevertheless, it has aloe barbadensis leaf juice and apple and grape extracts in it, so imagine smearing fruits and leaves on your skin and running down the beach and I think you've got it.

Favorite Thing #3: Starbuck's Salted Carmel Hot Chocolate
You know that salty-sweet one-two punch that DQ Peanut Buster Parfaits used to have when you were twelve? That's this at 120 degrees. Yes, paying three dollars for hot chocolate is absurd, but isn't everything at Starbucks exorbitant? Wait for the gift card from your crazy aunt and try it. Don't take the final two sips though. The salt sludge will take a year off your life.

Favorite Thing #4: Superview Highlighters
Highlighters are like Post-its: You either obsess over colors and could rainbow your entire existence or you have utilitarian yellow. I fall firmly into the former category. Superview highlighters are half-size so you can gorge yourself on more colors. The best part is the set that comes with a rappelling-like clip to fasten them together, highly metaphoric for those editing moments when you feel like you'll thrust yourself and your characters off the next plot cliff.

Favorite Thing #5: Netflix
If you haven't made the jump, what are you waiting for? In two months, I've saved more rental money than I contributed to the Blockbuster empire over the past two years. And who doesn't love going to the mailbox and seeing that bright red envelope that screams "Hugh Jackman!" between the utility bill and yet another Chase credit card application? It's like having a movie butler that will simultaneously fetch the most obscure classic and the new release you used to karate-chop other renters for.

Favorite Thing #6: Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit
Some will say this is girl beer. It probably is. I'm sure, for men, drinking fruity alcohol requires a temporary revocation of your man-card. The bottom line is-it's winter. Wouldn't we all rather be soaking up rays on the Mexican Riviera? Don't plunk down your hard-earned greenbacks on the lime or raspberry flavored Mich Ultras-they are the fluff that bows at the feet of this Summer-inspired beer.

Favorite Thing #7: The Westinghouse Indoor/Outdoor Remote Set
If I actually had this, it would be favorite thing #1. As it stands, the ritual of turning off outside Christmas lights at midnight involves a mad dash to three separate plugs dressed in aforementioned holey slippers and a mismatched homage to warmth. Of special delight is when wet holly branches snap me in the face while reaching for the outlet. A Holly Jolly Christmas, indeed.

Favorite Thing #8: Amazon's Free Shipping
Is it any wonder why Amazon is killing the brick and mortar stores in sales? Amazon tempts me with the dangling carrot of free shipping if I'll add only $5.95. Would I rather pay for shipping or another delicious literary offering? Yes, I believe I will have another.

Favorite Thing #9: Passing a FeedBurner milestone
Thank you to everyone who returns, quiet as Cindy-Lou-Hoo on Christmas Eve, to read the blog and for those who feel compelled to comment. For all of you, I offer up my Favorite Thing #10: an e-card I received this year:

Tickle My Stats

I'm into Statcounter for a myriad of reasons, but the unintended giggle factor of keyword analysis lets me know how The Vortex presents to the world. Most of these hits never returned-I'm assuming they didn't find what they were looking for here, but even the quickest trigger finger-turned-stat strokes my ego. Here are my top ten favorites:

1."ordinary people state of undress"
I had no idea I'd addressed some quasi-nekked reality. Can't recall one. If anyone finds it, do tell. I hope it's of the XY variety.

2. "mammoth chunks"
I can only assume web surfers knew about the Time Travel Mart in California before and sought it out because of their most famous merchandise. Aside from a natural curiosity of prehistoric creatures, the only other possibilities leave me shuddering. original post

3. "bat guano in eyeliner"
Ick. Did I discuss this? Apparently, there are few websites willing to go into the feces-in-makeup arena. Ladies and 30 Seconds to Mars fans, isn't it comforting to know there's one among us with an insatiable curiosity that we'll forever remember when we uncap that ultra-wet, waterproof liner? original post

4. "birth control titanic"
The Titanic interview with V.C. King and subsequent posts generated a lot of interest, but Leo's sweaty hand was hardly a commentary on this topic and a sinking ship is not a form of population control. original post

5. "thighmasters how to use"
Who knew I could pull the expert card on the Suzanne Somers multi-million dollar empire? original post

6. "is picking flowers in a ditch illegal"
Who do I look like, friggin' Jeeves? Texas DPS? original post

7. "woo woo factor"
I love this. This is going to be my new author platform. A hook line under the name on my website. L.A. Mitchell, The Woo-Woo Factor in Romance. Perfect. Thank you, kind surfer. original post

8. "holey slippers"
Who searches the web for worn footwear? Try ebay. My eccentric aunt just found out about the auction store near her house and has confused her Goodwill donation with her transistor radio. original post

9. "orange wedge revenge blogspot"
I can't recall proclaiming retaliation with citrus, but back off. I have a tangelo in the fridge and I'm not afraid to squeeze it in your eye. original post

10. "photo woman"
That's specific. Let me know when you get to page load 10 million-Oh wait, you'll have died a natural death by then. Never mind. original post

Anyone else with stat capabilities, leave your gems here...

The Perfect Cup of Superstition

Each writing spot I frequent away from my desk has its own vibe. When it matches with my mood for the day, it's pure page-cranking bliss. When it doesn't, it feels like a note of discord I can't quite put my finger on. It's crazy, really, to hang productivity on a place's atmosphere or lack thereof, but it does play beautifully into the whole writer's superstition thing.

One place is a wanna-be of the Starbucks down the road. It's proximity to the burbs brings in a steady traffic of geriatric men discussing politics and housefraus discussing skin care lines. The kind of place where the menopausal baristas would donate a kidney to you. Last week, I had to endure a big band version of Van Halen's Jump piped through the sound system. Not my most productive day. Geographically appealing, but gets demarcation for vanilla people-watching and no prime writing real-estate near the back. Productivity grade: C

Spot number two is the largest Starbucks I've ever been in. A four-foot two barista with blond hair spiked like a porcupine pipes up the moment you enter. Like a door chime, but infinitely more annoying. I don't go there often enough for her to know what I want, but I could always use whatever happy pill she downed before work. This is my favorite spot when it rains. Hand painted, blown-glass shades hover over each table, especially a delicious little nook all by itself, and the life beyond the glass is filled with people interrupting the puddles that collect on the imperfect sidewalk. Productivity grade: A

Coffee shop three is an off-chain populated by the high-school version of the rugby team. Bizarre patterns of facial hair can't hide the fact that their little click is circling the drain of contributions to society. Oh, they hide behind beatnik Friday-night amateur music night and local artisan's paintings climbing the walls, but it falls to pretentious and self-indulgent. Geographically, if I'm aerobically ambitious, I could walk to it, but the spilled coffee bean sacks as ambiance interferes with my left-brain's sense of order. Productivity grade: C-

Lastly, I attempt the library on occasion. Extreme enough distance that I can't bargain with myself to drive home and nap when the pages aren't coming. With gas $3.18 a gallon here, I'm totally committed to the endurance page-count marathon. And, although I don't have to endure show tunes or complaint pop music, the ancient air conditioner and the body functions of someone in the stacks twelve rows down ricochets against my creativity. The fiction section also functions as a magnetic force field of temptation, almost justifiable as "market research." Productivity grade : C

Am I too picky? Quite possibly. But these places do serve as a good reminder of my well-worn chair, holey slippers, and beverage perfection waiting for me at home.

What about you? What's your favorite spot and why?

Exercise Your Right to Vote...and Love

If you're a cynic this time of year the Vortex won't be for you next week. For some, Valentine's Day is the equivalent to corporate greed driving the engine of guilt. Why do we need one day to tell those around us we love them when we tell them every day?

You may think taking the trash out for your honey while wearing boxers and black dress socks screams, "LOVE!" (and it does) but we all need to step out of our comfortable rituals sometimes. Me, included. I confess that for a Valentine I once replaced every Hershey Kiss flag in a hundred-count bag with tiny, typed flags lauding every reason I adored him. The same Valentine now witnesses me most days in my holey-pajama-bottom-writing-pants and penguin slippers stumbling to the keyboard to weave vast hours of a fictitious life. That Valentine deserves a day free of my rituals.

If your Valentine is of the materialistic variety, I can't help you. I am a product of my dad's practicality. I don't want a dozen roses when one speaks the same sentiment. Forget jewelry. It wouldn't go with my pajama bottoms. When this romance writer thinks of expressions of love, it is in the creative, uniquely-catered-to-that-person overture where true romance lives.

To that end, each day next week you'll find creative tidbits and ideas to get you thinking about ways to make this Valentine's day truly memorable. Some are intended for romantic love, while others can be used to express love to family and friends-even strangers. We could all use a little more of that random kindness.

For a little added fun, I've included a vote where Vortex readers decide the order of the posts. Here they are:

Time (of course, right?)
Ideas that cost little more than thoughtful moments

The Quiet
Ideas found in stillness

But I Need to Wrap Something
Ideas that beat Prada and Hi-Def TVs

Questions to Help You Discover The Perfect Celebration
Ways to kick-start your own unique ideas

Everything I Need to Know About a Woman's Heart I Learned From a Romance Novel
Demystifying what is really no mystery at all

Be sure to vote for your favorite(s) on the right sidebar. The most popular picks will appear first.

Have a super weekend, everyone!