You probably heard I'm into the romance writer thing. Kind of getting around to actually reading a few now....a few with red covers...with cleavage and stallions. And wind. And that's why I want to tell you, today, about What I Believe...
I believe in tall and dark and handsome. And variations thereof that don't look like anyone in my reality.
I believe in happily ever after, be it an alien love child or a kiss that survived a fourteen book series, a nuclear bomb detonation and a thousand pirate wenches.
I believe in equal page time for male breasts so long as they don't move like bacon grease at an all-night diner.
I believe Lifetime should mine from Nora's collection exclusively for movie fodder so as not to subject us to any more Co-ed Call Girl specimens.
I believe elf sex is wrong. But don't tell that to the elves.
I believe every Too Stupid To Live heroine should be equipped with a gun to ensure plot twists.
I believe every person who utters the phrase "trashy novel" should be tied to a lift chair and made to watch The Golden Girls and Wheel of Fortune marathons until the end of time.
I believe in the throes of passion, William Strunk, Jr. would lose the capacity to remember his entire fourth edition.
I believe the words steamy, turgid and white-hot should be retired from all romance writers' vernacular.
I believe every woman who covers her romance novel with a knitted cozy should be forced to enroll in pole-dancing classes until she can proclaim her love for man-titty-kind in front of the PTA.
And I believe "that of all the evils on this earth, there is nothing worse than" this music. That's what I believe.
And, if any of you recognize this and wish to read the original, you can find it here.