Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A Romance Writer's Monologue

You probably heard I'm into the romance writer thing. Kind of getting around to actually reading a few now....a few with red covers...with cleavage and stallions. And wind. And that's why I want to tell you, today, about What I Believe...

I believe in tall and dark and handsome. And variations thereof that don't look like anyone in my reality.

I believe in happily ever after, be it an alien love child or a kiss that survived a fourteen book series, a nuclear bomb detonation and a thousand pirate wenches.

I believe in equal page time for male breasts so long as they don't move like bacon grease at an all-night diner.

I believe Lifetime should mine from Nora's collection exclusively for movie fodder so as not to subject us to any more Co-ed Call Girl specimens.

I believe elf sex is wrong. But don't tell that to the elves.

I believe every Too Stupid To Live heroine should be equipped with a gun to ensure plot twists.

I believe every person who utters the phrase "trashy novel" should be tied to a lift chair and made to watch The Golden Girls and Wheel of Fortune marathons until the end of time.

I believe in the throes of passion, William Strunk, Jr. would lose the capacity to remember his entire fourth edition.

I believe the words steamy, turgid and white-hot should be retired from all romance writers' vernacular.

I believe every woman who covers her romance novel with a knitted cozy should be forced to enroll in pole-dancing classes until she can proclaim her love for man-titty-kind in front of the PTA.

And I believe "that of all the evils on this earth, there is nothing worse than" this music. That's what I believe.

And, if any of you recognize this and wish to read the original, you can find it here.


Todd Wheeler said...

Steve Martin rocks. As does L.A.

Glad I checked where the music link led before clicking on it!

Pamela Cayne said...

Elf sex is wrong? Even like Lord of the Rings elves? Or are you thinking creepy little emaciated things that frolic just a bit too much?

Glad to have you out and blogging again! :)

Charles Gramlich said...

I don't know. I kind of like turgid.

Barbara Martin said...

Elves deserve their biological function, surely. Especially those hot elves from the Lord of the Rings!

I'm with Charles on turgid: a necessary element when writing hot and heavy.

Marilyn Brant said...

"I believe in the throes of passion, William Strunk, Jr. would lose the capacity to remember his entire fourth edition."

LOL! Or, perhaps, only in the throes of ELF passion... ;)

L.A. Mitchell said...

@Todd-He SO rocks more than me. But thanks for saying so ;)

@Pamela-Let's just say I judged a wayward contest entry and added it to my list of nightmares :O

@Charles-You may have it, then, Charles. Turgid in your realm will mean something TOTALLY different.

@Barbara-who knew you were an elf advocate? Apparently you and Pamela have that Lord of the Rings thing going on.

@Marilyn-In the case of elf passion, he'd forget all the editions that came before ;)

laughingwolf said...

turgid, the sound invokes images of constipation, as in TURDGID... NOT a very romantic thought :O lol

and why do you call that crap 'music'?

Robin said...

This was awesome! Loved Steve's too. I'm laughing out loud - thanks!

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Katie Reus said...

Pure awesome. I think the word heaving should be retired too (if used in an annoying context which I don't think I need to explain). ;)