Saturday, May 15, 2010

Ten Action Figures Cleared For Take-off

It is safe to say that around here, May is like December. Every day brings something to celebrate, something to wrap up, something to unwrap (hint, hint). What May has failed to bring thus far is time to breathe. So the Vortex took a percolating hiatus. Never far from the brain, just a thousand light years away from the keyboard. What would a comeback be without a Vortex 10 List? Not any fun, I must say.

Yesterday, I ran across a link tease under the title Hot Toy Alert! We're not talking Easy Bake Oven here. And, no, it wasn't from Camp Edward or Jacob-they would never be allowed on my Barbie's DC-10 with full in-flight meal service. Too vampy. It was the action-figure tie-in of Prince of Brokeback...I mean Persia. This particular action figure is like a frosted eclair oasis in the Sahara, not just because it is filled with shirtless Gyllenhaal goodness, but because there is that whole time travel thing. And I wondered: what other action figures would I allow on my Barbie's DC-10?

Top Ten Action Figures Cleared for Take-Off:

1: Jake Gyllenhaal's Prince of Persia hits a home run in the accuracy department. Complete with ripped muscles and larger-than-Ken hands, we can forgive the glazed, vacant look in his eyes. Too much Reese. We get it. Our Barbies can kick Elle's pink Margaret-Thatcher-suited butt anytime.

2: Tom Selleck's Thomas Magnum: Maybe the cabin pressure has left Tom bloated, but we forgive the extra poundage because he still looks bad ass sporting a mustache and a gun. His shirt leads me to believe our destination is somewhere with ocean views and an annoying butler. Sandra, honey, I'll book you a seat right next to this one.

3: Richard Dean Anderson's MacGyver: Need I say more? So what if this Brazilian rendering is the only one ever produced and they failed to capture the strictly American beauty that was the mullet? So what if he looks like a blond matador in Mom jeans? He gets a boarding pass simply for being my numero uno obsession at fifteen. In-flight Skipper would agree.

4: Josh Holloway's Sawyer: Though we're unaccustomed to seeing James smile, I take comfort in knowing he has room on his raft should Barbie Air plummet into the Pacific. I might have preferred him sitting in his makeshift shelter sporting nerd glasses and reading prophetic tomes, but who can deny the wet, clingy appearance of his decidedly un-Mom jeans? Hard to tell from this angle, but a side view shows his plethora of hair blowing in thirty knot winds. Someone turn the fan down over seat 4F!

5: Jon Bon Jovi: I must confess that this passenger really isn't for me; but frankly, the Lemme doll wasn't Barbie's type. Who knew there was an entire culture of hard rock fans who collect figurines? Do they display them in lighted curio cabinets next to their bongs? I'd venture more than one woman in the world has this baby next to her Precious Moments dust trap. Marilyn?

6: Elvis: Comeback '68: Out of all the Elvis action figures, this is the one Barbie wants swiveling up the center aisle. Yeah, the Jailhouse Rock one is filled with possibility, but let's face it. The spazzy guy on the plane always ruins the trip for the rest. Stripped of the cheesy what-do-I-do-with-my-hands production ditties from his 60's movies, this all-leather clad King is better than lemon-scented hot towels in first class.

7: Dimebag Darrell: You might think this choice, when paired with the last, might cause Barbie Air to split down the center ala Oceanic 815, but this is how my Barbie rolls. Sweet and Campy one moment, all Pantera the next. Dimebag is in charge of the in-flight music and balances out the matador jacket nicely, don't you think? Barbie's mom is so going to freak.

8: David Duchovny's Fox Mulder: The truth is out there: this action figure is more handsome than the original, which earns him a boarding pass. We always knew Barbie was shallow, didn't we? Packing heat, a flashlight and no Scully to take up precious hottie space aboard Barbie Air, his study-the-heavens-for-aliens posture speaks of his tireless dedication to his cause, something that makes Barbie a little vaclempt.

9: Eric Estrada's Ponch: Keeping the skies safe is our air marshall with the brilliant white teeth and Latin love vibe. No longer straddling his department-issued cycle, this one proves that even with disproportionate-sized buttons and a sumo-wrestler gun holster, Poncherello can still bring it for Barbie because he's in uniform.

10. Wentworth Miller's Michael Scofield(left): So what if he just broke out of prison? This guy could kick Ken's golf-sweater-wearing ass and show him the meaning of anatomical correctness. At a whopping $550 a pop, this guy had better deposit gold bars in the lavatory to pay for his hotness boarding pass.

What was your favorite action figure or Barbie from childhood?


Jen FitzGerald said...

Have I got an action figure for you...

the walking man said...

The closest thing to an action figure there was in my childhood were little green army men in different defensive poses for killing the Huns or (if you knew the news ) The VC.

Pamela Cayne said...

Ponch's teeth aren't near big enough, but we'll give them credit for trying.

Loved the list--thanks, L.A.!

L.A. Mitchell said...

@Jen...I might have known ;) Do you think it *really* looks like him? I don't see it. brother had those. I can remember setting them up all around our huge fireplace/bookcase while General Hospital was on in the background.

@Pamela...I know, right? I wouldn't say horse, though. Just large and dazzling :)

Todd Wheeler said...

Tough choice between the G.I. Joe with battle scars and the Evel Knieval with hand-cranked motorcycle. Probably the latter for inspiring dangerous ramp jumping.

Stewart Sternberg said...

Outstanding. I don't know why I am such a fan of this kind of stuff. You know, I once did a posting about some action figures on the market. At the time there was an Ann Coulter action figure and several other controversial political figures. I was in heaven. But the one that most caught my attention for a Jesus action figure. Don't ask.

laughingwolf said...

my kids liked he-man and she ra, go figger lol

and i teased the older daughter by calling him MY gyver, not YOUR gyver! :O lol

Robin said...

Loved Barbie as a kid, but a few years ago I came across a Beach Fun "Robin" Barbie! Is that the funniest thing, or what? I've kept her in the package and I crack up every time I look at her!

Another great list, L.A.! I hope you're having a great week!

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