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Monday, September 28, 2009

Knowing All About a Vortex 10

Remember the medicine-head commerical where the red balloon floats high above the decapitated cartoon character body? That's so me today. But since I'm a glass-half-full kind of gal, what's better than an alternate-state reality to concoct a Vortex 10? Today's topic: the 2009 release Knowing starring Nicholas Cage.

Ten Ways the Movie Knowing Would Have Been Tolerable on a Nyquil-Induced High:

1. The black duster-clad alien/human hybrids might have broken into a fog-laden rendition of Depeche Mode's "Personal Jesus", giving them an entertaining value beyond belching a light storm from their mouths.

2. The numerical sequence the protagonist triest to decode might have resembled the optimistic spreadsheet of Harry Potter-like sales from my debut release.

3. Rose Byrne's hysterical portrayal of a worried mother might have been more drama-hysterical and less ha-ha hysterical.

4. The black pebbles could have led me back from the abyss of schitzophrenic genre. As they stood, they were a mere metaphor for the ka-ka that was the ending.

5. I could have imagined a different, better plot in the protagonist's house that looked more like a Disney soundstage than a real residence.

6. The sunspot could have lit a fire under me to want to go past 1 hour and 40 minutes on my DVD counter.

7. I could have pretended the symbolic tree at the end was my happy place instead of the heavy-handed religious propaganda that made virtually no sense given the character's set up.

8. It might have made sense that a mother would leave two hunted children unattended in a car during a pre-apocalyptic bedlam.

9. Nicholas Cage might have morphed into someone who less-resembled the guy who rotated my tires last week.

10. My laughter during the scene where Nicholas Cage runs out to fight the Depeche Mode guys, strikes a bat against a tree and screams, "You want some of this?" might have eclipsed the next, oh say, seven scenes.

Okay, so I was harsh. I really, really wanted to like this movie. It contains a time capsule for the love of Pete! The woo-woo factor (minus the alien thing) is so completely up my alley, but in the end, it didn't hold together.

What's the latest I-just-shaved-two-hours-off-my-life film-stinker you watched?

7 comments:

Charles Gramlich said...

hum, I was thinking about watching this but I don't know now. I saw him in Next not long ago, which was OK but nothing special.

Pamela Cayne said...

Yeah, Nic's been a lot more on the miss side of hit-and-miss lately. Sad.

As far as stinkers go, the last one I can remember virulently disliking was 'Knocked Up' which could have been a sweet and funny movie, but threw too much in just for the gross-out factor. (And I like Seth Rogan and Katherine Heigl, too.) Led me to a good lesson--just because you can put something in a story doesn't mean you have to.

Robin said...

I didn't see this movie, but I heard it was pretty awful. Gosh, I don't think I've seen a stinker of a movie in a while. And that's probably because I don't see as many movies as I'd like. When I do go, I'm pretty choosy.

the walking man said...

Another movie I will not try to travel back through the vortex to reclaim the wasted time. Thanks for the warning kiddo.

Miladysa said...

Sooo... you're not keen on it then?

Knocked Up WAS appalling as Pamela said. I only watched it for about 20 minutes in the hope that it would improve. The Happening was another disappointment.

Stewart Sternberg said...

This movie made me angry. It could have been a great film, and instead it imploded with plot twists that were stupidly stupid. That being said, I am recommending it to everyone...and I am recommending it on blu-ray. Not because it is a decent film, no..but because of the effects. These are astonishing pieces. I never believe the special effects can redeem a bad film, but this time it comes close.

For those who haven't seen, there is a plane crash that is jaw dropping. Jaw dropping. When the crashing aircraft comes zooming in over the cars waiting on the expressway, cutting across the screen, you better not have a glass in your hand...because I guarantee a spill.

L.A. Mitchell said...

@Charles - I saw NEXT, too. I think with these movies, they're trying to hit some kind of hybrid between action-hero and an M. Night movie.

@Pamela - I'll be sure to steer clear of that one :O

@Robin - I was sucked in by the woo-woo premise.

@walkingman - my pleasure :)

@Miladysa - maybe it'll make a worst movie list. This one sure might.

@Stewart - I *do* have to agree with you...the plane scene had me holding my breath, if not for the sheer realism, than for the disturbing images. I can't remember what line of dialogue Cage's character uttered while walking through the destuction, but I remember thinking how absurd it was for him to say that to a plane crash victim.