Thursday, May 28, 2009

A Mother's Kung Fu

I love knowing how people crash-land here, and I've done this type of post before; but alas, there are so many more gems to cover. Who knew The Vortex was the information mecca for people typing Google Keyword searches on:

macgyver pantyhose
I can only surmise someone with an iphone found themselves an unfortunate victim of a full-stall bathroom imprisonment and heard rumors of the pantyhose/battery/sanitary napkin dispenser bomb. Happy to be of service.

why Ben Gay hurts armpits
Honestly, I don't remember covering this morsel. Honey, if your armpits hurt so much you are tempted to reach for the Ben Gay, you have more pressing issues than blog-hopping. Wheel of Fortune is on!

vortex fish caller
Is this a sport I'm unaware of? Much like bird calling, but in a swirling chasm of debilitating energy?

lost sawyers chest hair
Glad this googler knew I'd be happy to aid in the search. And on the subject of chest hair, which I must mention more times than is prudent on a professional writer's blog:

hairy chest Christopher Plummer
Christopher Plummer hairy chest
Not content to (a) leave any stone unturned in the quest for her ideal thespian's attributes nor (b) toss caution to the keyword Gods but once, this Vortex visitor no doubt left disappointed, which will simply not do. Unfortunately, this man is bundled tighter than bark on a tree. Turtlenecks and starched collars abound. First, I found this:

Egads..... I'm guessing this one is much closer to what you had in mind, dear Googler...

bodies soaked in the rain
beauty of a woman's heart
Could any search be more of a compliment for a romance writer? Target audience: bulls-eye.

elvis rain soaked kiss
Okay, this one was just a present, wasn't it? If anyone knows of such a kiss, I'll be your BFF.

pamela suck dogs
Sadly, I'm not acquainted with Pamela, which leaves me at a disadvantage to judge whether or not she, indeed, sucks dogs.

Finally, in honor of my mom's much-anticipated visit today, a four day extravaganza filled with pedis, conference shoe shopping and Hobby Lobby worship, I leave you with this:

(Philosophy of Physics Final Exam: Is it possible to travel back in time and kill your mother before she gave birth to you?)


Marilyn Brant said...

macgyver pantyhose = priceless!
Have fun with your mom, L.A. I'll be thinking of you, strolling through the crafty-packed aisle of Hobby Lobby :).

laughingwolf said...

gets weirder by the minute, lam ;) lol

Charles Gramlich said...

I'm still scared of my mom and she's almost 93

Todd Wheeler said...

A cornucopia of google search! Very impressive.

the walking man said...

I say you should go for the red heels with the fuzzy ball on the front for your look at the conference...with the right accessories you could sing "Happy Birthday Mr. President" a la Marylin.

It may not further your chances for anything or other but what the hell MacGyver's pantyhose is no weirder.

Think of the web hits..from fuzzy toed stilettos.

Vesper said...

This is hilarious, L.A.!

:-) :-) :-)

Enjoy the time with your mom - I'm sure her Kung Fu is powerful...

Pamela Cayne said...

What I do with dogs is my own business, thankyouverymuch.

Enjoy your Mom's weekend--sounds like you've got all the bases covered!

L.A. Mitchell said...

@Marilyn...we actually never made our goal today. We were sucked into the only true woman's shopping vortex: Sam Moon, for which we'd lost hope of escape.

@laughingwolf...I think it is time to whip out one of my quasi-philosophical posts. Next week :)

@Charles...Keeps you on your toes, does she?

@Todd...I aim to impress ;)

@walkingman...we conquered the shoe stores today. I could do a blog post on Jessica Simpson's line of shoes ALONE. Nothing less than Daisy Dukes would do them justice. From now on, you are my go-to for fashion advice for "the big night". have a great weekend, too.

@Pamela...I *knew* they were looking for you. I should have sent them your way ;)

Barbara Martin said...

The searches are interesting tidbits into other people's mindsets. Enough to perhaps provide a character twist.

The one that caught my eye was "elvis rain soaked kiss". He must have done a movie with this scene in it.