What on Earth?

Today, I'm all about shopping. Mind you, I'm a freaky female because shopping is one of my least favorite pastimes. I'd rather listen to someone rip my protagonist to shreds as one of the least valuable members to ever occupy literary society. Almost. I had to decompress from the absurdity of men clearly out of their element pushing grocery carts and the incessant chatter of women on cell phones buying cell phones at the AT&T store with 45 minutes of yoga. After which, I fell asleep in the corpse pose and awoke to my cat's one eyed-stare.

Then, behold. My favorite catalog came in the mail. One hundred and twenty seven pages of snarky t-shirts, pop culture items and deliciously non-politically correct gifts. My yearly thank you for the one-time purchase of a Hilary Clinton nutcracker. This, my dear blog readers, is Feliz Navidad to my spirit, weary from commercialism and the grinches already clogging the Wal-mart check out lines. Nothing says "Merry Christmas" more than a bog monster rising out of your toilet bowl or alien crash figurines for your garden.

So here, I give you my top ten favorite holiday gifts from the What on Earth catalog in the hopes that you might find inspiration or at least a smile to counteract the tool up the street who already has antlers affixed to his SUV:

1. Who doesn't need a snarky shirt for those days you just want to set the PTA all atwitter? My favorites? "Yet, despite the look on my face, you're still talking" and "If you woke up this morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life."

2. Hooray for the Bra-a hardback coffee table extravaganza for the feminist or perv on your list. Comes complete with ten interactive pop-ups and a bra hook closure.

3. The Michelangelo's David switch plate. The caption reads "Turn on the light--and David, too." Art as an interactive experience, the way it was meant to be enjoyed.

4. The Loo With a View book. Gorgeous photos depicting vantage points from inspiring toilets all over the world: the summit of Mount Fugi, under the Northern Lights and at the Station Inn in Yorkshire Dales (wherever that is-Miladysa help us out). A perfect way to class up the uncle on your list who clutters his privy with skin mags.

5. Not everything in this catalog is bathroom humor, but who can live without the You-Record Talking TP roll? The temptation to pre-record a message for a captive audience is almost too much to resist.

6. A rain chime music box, reminiscent of the Native American sticks, gives you 30-45 minutes of magical rain sounds from its hundreds of tiny steel beads randomly falling on internal chimes. Long enough to drown out the digestive sounds of your in-laws post-holiday dinner.

7. Crime Scene Scarf, meant to duplicate the plastic ribbon used by law enforcement. "Extra long for stylish looping and layering."

8. What Monty Python fan/writer doesn't need the Killer Rabbit stapler? Wrestle your synopsis together using this attack bunny's bloodstained fangs.

9. The flying monkeys plastic gun, direct from the land of Oz. Comes with a set of four terrifying one-inch red fedora-ed and caped primates.

10. And for spiritual moments around the tree, an ornament that reads, "Go Jesus-it's your birthday, Go Jesus!"

Happy Shopping, everyone!